This was originally posted on our previous site.
A question I get asked a lot when people find out my relationship (after they ask what he did..which is kind of rude to be honest. I don’t ask what mistakes your boyfriend has in his past) is “What about sex?”
I get it. Though again.. kind of fucked up you thinking my sex life is your business.
There are only a handful of states that allow what you are going to call a conjugal visit. That isn’t what the DOC calls them; they are officially known as family visits. They aren’t easy to get and the inmate has to have a history of good behaviour to get approved for them and stay out of trouble to keep them. It isn’t always the husband/wife and kids who go, sometimes its the parents and siblings. Which is why they are called family visits, because really they aren’t only for sex.
Most people though don’t get family visits and in some circumstances you don’t even get contact visits with your loved one. Instead you get to visit like you see in the movies – with a slab of plexiglass between you.
Sex though… back to sex.
You talk about it. You have the phone sex.. but not like 2.99 a minute phone sex because then if you’re being monitored they (whomever is listening) can disconnect you; not to mention that they aren’t alone and how dirty to you actually want to get when you have 50 dudes in your vicinity who are going to catch you poppin’ a tent in the yard? You write letters. You masterbate….a lot and invest in a handful of toys and debate the pros and cons of rechargeable batteries.
Not having sexual intimacy though makes you focus on other things in your relationship. It forces you to talk about things that are actually important. Sometimes you just talk about the news. Over time, you get to know the different tones in their voice and can tell if they’re having a bad day as soon as you pick up the phone. You can tell from their scribbled handwriting that they were stressed when they were writing you.
Would it be nice to have sex? Of course!
Would I trade sex for what we do have? No, but someday I hope I get them both.